Dans les romans de la série Twilight, une jeune adolescente humaine et vulnérable tombe amoureuse d’un vampire. Ce dernier est tout aussi épris d’elle, mais vous pouvez deviner la problématique : les rapprochements sont quelque peu difficiles lorsqu’on trouve le sang de l’être aimé incroyablement appétissant.
Pour remédier à la situation, la jeune fille demande qu’on la transforme en vampire. Tout un sacrifice, en apparence. Or, il faut savoir que dans cet univers fantastique, les vampires sont incroyablement beaux, forts, intelligents, prospères. Ils peuvent survivre en buvant du sang animal plutôt que du sang humain, donc ils ne sont même pas obligés de se comporter comme des monstres. Ils ont un taux de divorce de 0 %, une agilité incroyable, une capacité à faire à peu près n’importe quoi. Oh, et ils dégagent un parfum extraordinaire!
Vous vous demandez donc peut-être, tout comme je me le suis demandé, comment devenir un vampire. Voici la procédure :
Pour commencer, on doit se fait mordre par un vampire. Ensuite, notre cœur pompera le sang contaminé dans tout notre système cardiovasculaire et le venin transformera nos cellules une à la fois. Voilà. Le seul hic est que le processus est incroyablement douloureux… C’est un peu comme se faire brûler vivant. Et cela ne dure pas quelques secondes, ou quelques minutes, ou même quelques heures. Non, on passera des jours recroquevillés à brûler de l’intérieur, alors que le venin saturera chaque fibre de notre être. Donc on parle ici d’une pure agonie. Mais à la fin du processus, non seulement sera-t-on complètement libéré de la douleur, mais on obtiendra la vie éternelle. (Et on pourra apparemment se passer de déodorant…)
Vous avez peut-être déjà eu l’impression de brûler vivant – de vivre une douleur si intense qu’elle saturait chaque fibre de votre être. C’est la sensation que j’avais, parfois, il y a quelques semaines. On aurait dit que le venin du chagrin venait toucher chacune de mes cellules, tatouer mon ADN, et me transformer à jamais. Et j’aurais tout fait pour stopper le processus, bien sûr… Mais en même temps, je pouvais sentir qu’il se passait quelque chose de grand, qu’il était important que je permette à la douleur d’agir en moi complètement.
Je n’ai jamais aimé avoir mal. Personne n’aime avoir mal. Que ce soit le déchirement des temps de crise, ou les petites déceptions du quotidien, ou cette douleur existentielle qui s’est imbriquée à la toile de fond de notre vie, on a tendance à faire tout ce qui est en notre pouvoir pour refouler notre souffrance. On fuit dans un optimisme précoce, dans des distractions, en fournissant un effort de volonté qu’on n’est pas tout à fait prêt à donner. Mais voici le hic : sans le réaliser, on forme un écran intérieur qui nous sépare non pas seulement de nos émotions, mais de la douceur de notre cœur et de notre existence. Chaque fois qu’on nie notre douleur, on nie la Vie.
On veut la force, mais pas les moments de faiblesse qui la précèdent. On veut le papillon sans le cocon. Le printemps sans hiver avant. La renaissance sans le feu et les cendres. On a tellement peur de notre vulnérabilité, on est prêt à tout pour nier la fragilité fondamentale de notre être et de notre vie. Et on ne réalise pas que plus on se protège, plus on se fragilise. On a l’impression de se faire du bien ainsi, bien sûr, mais en réalité, étouffer ce qui fait mal nous amène à vivre dans un état de douleur constant – cette douleur qui nous suit même dans les beauix moments, cette lourdeur qu’on sent toujours un peu en arrière-plan.
Quand on pense à un tempérament fort, ce n’est généralement pas l’image d’une personne roulée en boule, en train de pleurer, qui nous vient à l’esprit. On voit des images de personnes souriantes, victorieuses au sommet d’une montagne. Et oui, bien sûr, surmonter notre état du moment pour relever des défis requiert une force de caractère. Parfois, c’est même nécessaire. Mais ultimement, vivre pleinement nos moments de faiblesse demande généralement encore plus de force et de courage que de se tenir debout par un effort de volonté. Et la personne qui se permet de se rouler en boule et de pleurer pourra éventuellement escalader des sommets beaucoup plus élevés – ou du moins, beaucoup plus ensoleillés –, que celle qui ne sait que se pousser.
Ainsi, bien que notre réflexe soit de nous éloigner de notre douleur, on gagne tellement au contraire à l’accueillir, à s’en rapprocher. Car le prix à payer quand on l’étouffe est trop élevé. Et car paradoxalement, c’est elle qui a le pouvoir de nous guérir… Oui, à l’intérieur de la souffrance se trouve l’énergie dont on a besoin pour la transcender. C’est seulement lorsqu’on la rencontre face à face qu’elle nous donne la force d’émerger – d’émerger non pas comme une imitation du vieux nous, mais comme une nouvelle version encore plus libre, encore plus belle, empreinte d’une force et d’une énergie que certains diraient immortelles.
Bonne journée magique!
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